Lol, my friend sent me these. Some of them were a little inappropriate, but here's some that are appropriate and pretty funny:
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I wanted to be a mime but I talked myself out of it
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had brown paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned!
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints
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I wanted to change my signature, so I did.
Hoo haa!
"The last time I was this scared, I had to actually fight a Dark Lord in order to make the world safe for wizards." - Radar, "Paper Towns" by John Green
